What George Carlin Would Say About Golf

Most of you know that the famous comedian George Carlin just passed away. My wife and I were watching one of his old specials last night and I got to thinking what Mr. Carlin - The Great Observer of Life - would say about golf. Here goes..

Why are so many people fascinated with the game of golf? It's a miserable game and most golfers will tell you as much after they've played their first hole. I think golf is really a stand-in for the great questions of our time, like 'what does it all mean?' or 'where do we go after we die?'. You see, these are questions that can't be answered. They go beyond the knowledge that any human has, even an Albert Einstein or a Socrates. The problem is that these questions are downright scary to think about. It's much better to think about something less threatening but equally as unknowable, like why can I hit a great shot one moment and a god awful pull hook the next.

Let's think about that. What other thing, sport or otherwise, do you learn one moment and then have absolutely zero skill in the next. Once you learn to pearl knit, you don't start losing control of your knitting needles only to jab the dog. I personally like to snow ski. I can't remember ever going backward in what I could do with skis. I've never seen anyone be able to parallel ski their first run only to find out that a snowplow was all they could muster the rest of the day. On the other hand, I dare you to show me the golfer who hasn't played terrific shots on a hole and then proceeded to play the rest of the round as if they were using a broom and a grapefruit.

Something else I've noticed about golf that keeps it forever in the category of 'life's great mysteries'. When playing a sport and things don't go so well, usually the players blame the conditons or equipment. If you go out to ski and can't control your skis very well it's because of bad conditions. No one comes in and admits 'I've lost it, I can't ski anymore'. But every golfer is faced with passing that judgment on themselves at some point in almost every round. Even Tiger Woods has his bad days. But he never blames it on the course. He doesn't tell reporters that he's driving the ball great, the problem is with the fairways.

Bottom line: we continue to play golf and alternate between the ridiculous and the sublime. One hole a par is so easy we believe we've finally found IT - the key to golf in the kingdom. The next hole we're one yanked putt away from chucking the golf bag off the nearest bridge. When is the last time you asked someone 'how's the game?' only to hear them say 'couldn't be better, this is the easiest game in the world'. Show me that person and I'll show you the golf course at the local sanitarium!

If you have a weak heart, I urge you to skip the this part! I'm going to talk about putting. Yes the easiest, hardest most mind boggling thing to do on the planet. Golf is such a kind game. The stroke that golfers make the most of during any round is the simplest - the putting stroke. You've finally covered hundreds of yards, overcome all manor of hazards to reach the promised land - a nicely manicured green carpet with a nice cup and flag on it to mark the golfer's final objective. You'd be proud to have a carpet in your home as finally groomed and cared for. All you have to do is take a nice flat bladed club, move it a few inches and gently knock your ball into said cup. There's no water, trees, sand or rough to get in the way, just a few undulations. It's so easy that this is the part of the game that children usually learn first. It's so easy that a five year old can do it with little effort. Oh don't we wish! In golf, what should be easiest is in fact the hardest. It's what ends most pros' careers. Though they've played and won tournaments their entire lives and still drive a golf ball 300 yards, all of a sudden it's impossible to knock in a three foot putt. Once mighty princes of the sport are reduced to beaten down castoffs. Broadcasters are loath to mention their names, because just the memory of someone with the yips can destroy an audience's good mood for a long time.

Golf is a great game, a crazy game, even a bit perverse and sometimes self-destructive. But it's a whole lot better than having to come face to face with the real mysteries of the universe.